


to you I will return (on hiatus)

by buckybear (ellewriteswrongs)



Series: to whom it may concern [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Everyone Needs A Hug, Heavy Angst, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), What Have I Done, everybody loves harley keener, pen pal au, that's right i'm projecting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-07-25 16:04:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20028547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellewriteswrongs/pseuds/buckybear
Summary: (sequel to 'to whom it may concern')harley is on his own nowand he never thought things could be worse than peter being hundreds of miles away until he was even furtherSORRY THIS FIC IS ON HIATUS FOR NOW





	1. a message

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to book 2!!!
> 
> i was literally killing myself trying to come up with a title for this, but i decided to go with this one because it rhymes with the book 1 title hehe
> 
> i hope y'all like this! sorry in advance because it will literally just be angsty for basically the entire book

When Harley pulled up outside Stark Tower, it was completely empty. He parked his bike on the street, his legs sore from riding for so long, but he stumbled his way up to the door. There was a sign taped to the inside of the door without any of the usual flair that their signs always held. Instead, it was a simple white sign with black typing.

_Stark Tower will be closed until further notice. We apologize for the inconvenience as we are struggling through the loss of many valuable members of our Stark Industries family. Inquiries about the Stark Relief Fund will remain operational. Thank you all of your understanding during this trying time. -Pepper Potts, CEO_

Pepper was still alive. Oh god, he felt a small surge of relief flood his body and in a rush of relieved tears, he climbed back onto his bike and took off towards the Avengers Compound.

The drive was nothing compared to the hell that was the trip from Rose Hill, but it felt just as long as he craved the ability to find those he loved and never let them go. He knew the access code to enter the facility, but upon entering he figured he could’ve easily broken into the building without anyone making a move to stop him.

The halls were empty. The communal spaces that he knew to be filled with a constant stream of laughter and conversations were empty and desolate like they had been abandoned right in the midst of their usual activities. He tried not to think too hard about the few piles of dust he noticed as he walked the empty halls.

They could’ve been people he knew. Staff members he met, friends he missed, heroes he idolized. He had no way of knowing.

He just wanted to get to Pepper and find out what he had left to hold onto.

She hadn’t left her office since the day it all happened. There were containers of an uneaten dinner taken to-go left in a bag outside the door and he tried not to think about why they had been left there as he crept inside.

Pepper looked like she’d seen a ghost the moment he stepped through the door.

Her eyes were red with dark bags underneath them and her hair was a mess, almost as disheveled as the clothes she looked like she’d been wearing for days.

“Harley?” She spoke, barely audible as she crossed the room as quickly as she could. “Oh god, it’s really you.”

He stumbled into her arms with absolutely no hesitation as she clung to him the way he did to her. She looked so lonely. He didn’t want to think much about what that meant.

“P-pepper,” he whimpered, tears starting to fall. “She’s...she’s gone. I didn’t know where else to go.”

The woman let out a shameless sob at the boy’s explanation that his sister had been a victim of the Decimation that stole half of the world from them.

“Harley, sweetheart, this will always be your home. You don’t have to feel bad, you’re always more than welcome here,” she cried quietly as she held the boy she loved like her own son. “I’ve missed you so much.”

He cried harder, grabbing fistfuls of her wrinkled blouse. “_Mom_,” he sobbed, the sound of his tears combined with the name making Pepper’s heart break even more than it already has. “Is...is Peter alive?”

It was the quietest question yet it held the most weight when she pulled back, looking the young boy in the eyes.

“Honey, I don’t know,” she explained, looking like it hurt her just as much to admit it than it did for Harley to hear.

“How...how do you not know? He should be here! He should’ve called, he should’ve said _something_! He-“

“Harley, I’m going to tell you something that Peter wanted you to know since you met, but he never got the chance,” she soothed, taking his hand and leading him to sit on the bed, FRIDAY projecting a holographic screen in front of them. “Before you wonder why he kept this from you, he was so afraid you’d get hurt if you knew. It nearly got his friends killed more times than he could bear to risk and he loved you too much to even consider putting you in danger.”

Harley could feel his stomach twisting in knots.

“What? How could he-is he okay? What the hell do you mean, it would put me in danger?” He really wasn’t mad. He was terrified and Pepper could see it in his eyes as clear as day.

“Just watch this. It’s as close as I can get to him telling you himself. Just trust him before you freak out,” Pepper explained, asking FRIDAY to play the video she selected on her phone.

In an instant, Peter’s smiling face lit up the screen and Harley felt his heart ache just looking at him. He was standing with Tony in one of the labs back at the tower. His chest tightened at the sound of their voices.

_“How’s it fit, kid?” Tony asked, a proud look on his face. The screen lit up to show Peter from the knees up and Harley felt his heart stop. Peter wasn’t wearing normal clothes. _

_“It’s perfect, Mr. Stark! Seriously, this is incredible!” Peter beamed with excitement as Harley tried not to have a heart attack. His brain was going nuts trying to figure out what the hell he was watching. _

_“Well? Why don’t you take it for a test run?” Tony suggested and Peter jumped at the idea, pulling on a bright red mask and making Harley subconsciously gasp a little. _

_Peter then proceeded to tell FRIDAY to open one of the windows and Harley felt like he might actually pass out as he watched his boyfriend swan dive out of a thirty-something story building. Tony followed right after him in his suit, though, almost as if it was completely normal._

_The position of the video then shifted to that of what Tony could see from his suit, which was really just Peter swinging from building to building with the webs that Harley could only concentrate on being way too thin, way too breakable, and way too dangerous. _

He was on the verge of a panic attack when Pepper finally shut off the video and he was faced with the thought of having to accept what the hell he just watched.

“H-he..holy shit...he’s-“

“Spiderman,” Pepper finished for him, a sympathetic look in her eyes. Hearing it out loud almost made it worse.

“Oh my god,” he breathed, his hands flying to his face as he felt subconscious tears start rolling down his cheeks. “He went with Tony. I remember seeing it on the news, Spiderman-_Peter_ went up in space with Tony.”

Pepper nodded, her own tears starting to fall.

“They...they could be lost in space! What if they can’t get home! We have to do something, we can’t just-“

“Honey, we can’t,” Pepper cried and it was abundantly clear that she didn’t want to say the words that came out of her mouth. “Trust me, I understand better than anyone what it’s like to love someone who goes out and risks their life like this, but this life doesn’t work if there isn’t the trust that we’ll always be waiting and we’ll always believe that they’ll come home.” She chokes up for a moment, wiping her eyes before continuing. “E-even if they don’t.”

He didn’t want that to be his life. He didn’t want to be plagued with the fear that Peter was out in the world risking his life for other people, just hoping and praying he’d come home in one piece.

He didn’t think his heart could take it.

‘How did you do it for so long?” He asked in disbelief and wonder.

Pepper smiled sadly, looking down at her hands as she twisted the engagement ring around her finger.

“Because as much as I hate the strings attached,” she said with almost a nostalgic tone in her voice. “I’ll never love anyone like I love him, and it’s worth it to me.”

* * *

He walked around the compound like a ghost. His usually tanned skin was pale and lifeless. His eyes were constantly red-rimmed with dark bags under his eyes that looked more like bruises against his complexion.

Pepper tried to get him to eat as much as she could. She shut down Stark Industries temporarily after the Decimation and spent her hours cooking in futile attempts to get Harley to eat, obsessively cleaning as if she was anticipating visitors, and even meditating until she was sure she wouldn’t break for good.

Harley was her comfort just as much as he was a curse.

He reminded her so much of Tony and Peter that she could never decide whether to cling to him or to cry every time she saw him.

She wanted her fiancé back.

She wanted the boy she loved like a son to come back.

More than anything, she wanted to see Harley smile again.

The days after the Decimation reminded her too much of the time she first met the boy. Back when the ghost of a boy who walked the halls of Stark Tower was barely twelve years old and had never had to fear the loss of the ones he loved until it was already too late. Now she had a boy who gave everything he had left to a boy that was ripped right through his fingers.

She would give that boy the world if she could.

And when he told her everything about what happened to Abbie…god she wasn’t sure if she cried more for Harley losing the only real family he had left or for herself and how she realized all at once how it felt to realize she loved the girl like a daughter only to lose her just as fast.

They were broken people that had been broken time and time again, but it was their family that saved them. Their family put them back together, but losing that?

It was the cruelest facet of random chance.

So Harley tried not to think about what they would do. As far as they knew, he and Pepper were alone. He was told that Happy was alive, but had stayed in the city to coordinate with the Stark Industries board. Rhodey had apparently been with him for a while before eventually coming to stay at the compound.

He didn’t know how many days it had been since the Decimation, but if he was being honest, he didn’t really care.

Every day that passed without knowing if Peter and Tony were alive was another day that the last spark of hope in his heart began to flicker out.

He wondered if he would’ve been able to feel it.

The first night after Rhodey came to the compound, Harley overheard him talking to Pepper about Tony. Rhodey had said there was hardly any chance he was still out there if he hadn’t returned yet, but Pepper was adamant that he was still alive. That she would’ve felt it in her soul if he was gone. That every fiber of her being would know the moment he died, no matter what.

So Harley wondered.

He couldn’t tell for sure. Maybe he was numb. Maybe he was in denial. Still, he and Peter clearly didn’t have what Tony and Pepper had. Not yet, at least.

The longer he waited, the more he thought maybe they would never get the chance.


	2. a reconnection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alexa, play ‘baby come home’ by the scissor sisters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna write a chapter in between the last chapter and this one, but whoops I got lazy so here’s the angst fest y’all haven't been waiting for
> 
> also I’m at disneyland right now as I’m posting this so my apologies if the formatting ends up looking janky

Harley and Pepper had decided on one week.

They would wait one week after the Decimation and if they still hadn’t received any signal or communication from Tony and Peter, then they would get a team together and start looking.

Two days before the seven day mark, almost all of the surviving Avengers were at the compound, some looking worse for wear than others.

There was a unique look of sympathy in each of their faces when they arrived and saw Harley there, utterly broken. One that wished they could tell him everything would be okay, even though they knew it could very well be a lie.

I had just barely passed midnight on the seventh night when FRIDAY alerted the compound’s occupants of something entering the atmosphere headed towards them.

Tony was known for being fashionably late after all.

Every single one of them raced outside to see, collectively praying it wasn’t another fight. They were all long-tired of fighting. It didn’t even need to be said that they’d all rather surrender themselves than fight another war, not after all they’d lost. 

They were hesitant at first when a glowing woman in blue, red, and gold carried down a spaceship onto their lawn, especially when it very clearly wasn’t from Earth. Still, she remained unfased by their hesitance having learned of the mad titan’s genocide throughout the galaxy. The woman was kind in her approach, smiling at the family, having grown by a few members in the recent days. 

Pepper, Harley, Rhodey, Steve, and Natasha all gathered around the ship waiting for the doors to open. Harley curled his body around Pepper’s arm to the best of his ability. 

“I think I may have found something that belongs to you,” the woman spoke, trying to lighten the mood as she revealed what she thought would be good news to the crowd of strangers. 

And just like that the doors opened. 

Pepper felt bad at first for slipping out of Harley’s grasp when she saw her fiancé, but she couldn’t help herself. She had believed for so long that Tony had to still be alive to the point where she had convinced herself that there was no doubt about it. Still, the moment she saw him hobbling down that landing ramp, she felt all of the hidden fear disappear. 

She ran into his arms, immediately noticing how much thinner and weaker the man was, but holding him all the same. As soon as she pulled away, she saw just hot horrible he looked. 

His skin was taut and pale, clinging to his hollow cheeks. His eyes were sunken in and lifeless, and his body was frail like he hadn’t eaten in days. She supposed he probably hadn’t. 

He kissed her cheek and didn’t even flinch as Steve appeared at his side, supporting Tony’s weight opposite Pepper. She wished she hadn’t heard the words he spoke next. 

_ “ I lost the kid,”  _ he whispered, looking at Steve but not really speaking to him. His voice broke in a way Pepper had never heard before. 

She couldn’t breathe.

No. 

Not Peter. 

Anyone but Peter. 

Hell, she’d give her own life to save that boy, but there was nothing she could do. 

Nothing any of them could do. 

They were making their way across the yard towards the compound but before they even got more than a few steps forward-

“Tony?”

The trio froze. 

Fuck. 

Tony turned as quickly as he could in his state, his eyes blown wide with devastation as he immediately recognized the voice. His eyes met Harley’s and the world seemed to stand still. 

“Harley?” Tony spoke, barely loud enough for Pepper and Steve to heat, let alone Harley. Rhodey stepped up behind the kid, holding a supportive hand on his shoulder as Natasha helped the blue-skinned stranger off the ship with the help of the glowing woman. 

“Where is he?” Harley asked, tears already welling in his eyes. His whole body was shaking. He was pleading, begging one of them to help him. “Tony, where is he?”

No one moved. 

“Tony, where’s Peter?” He was crying now, his fists clenched in the fabric of what Tony could only imagine was a hoodie of Peter’s._ “_ _ P-please .” _

“Kid,” Tony choked, the tears returning to his eyes as he reached out to the boy, his two supporters holding him back from running to him. “Harley, I’m  _so sorry.”_

And that was it. The moment the dam broke. 

Harley kept shaking his head, mumbling under his breath. Rhodey tried to calm him down, but he pushed the older man off him and promptly collapsed onto his knees. 

He couldn’t breathe. He felt like he was suffocating through his tears, shaking and rocking back and forth on his knees. 

Peter was gone. His Peter was gone. The one person left in the world that he loved more than life itself was gone and he didn’t even get to say goodbye. 

He felt like he was going to pass out. 

“Harley? Harley, look at me,” Pepper spoke, kneeling in the grass in front of him, her hands on his shoulders. The boy screamed, jumping away from her and crawling back a few steps. He leaned back on his hands, panting and staring at her with tears in his eyes. “Harley, you need to breathe. Can you do that for me, sweetheart? Just one deep breath.”

No, he didn’t  _want to_ . He didn’t  _deserve to. _

He shook his head, whether he meant to or not. There were arms around him, someone holding him, but he couldn’t be bothered enough to notice. Not if it wasn’t Peter. 

The thought had crossed his mind more times than he could count in the days following the Decimation. 

_It should’ve been me. _

It was bad enough with just Abbie gone. 

_I don’t deserve to live if they don’t get to. _

He was spiraling so fast, no one had any chance of stopping it. 

_I don’t want to live without them. _

He couldn’t think. 

_I don’t want to live without them. _

He couldn’t sleep. 

_I don’t want to live without them. _

He couldn’t eat. 

_I don’t want to live without them_. 

He couldn’t  survive in a world without Abigail Keener and Peter Parker. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #sorrynotsorry
> 
> anyway, if you liked this, please leave a comment and let me know!!   
also every kudo is a much-needed hug for harley so show our boy some love


	3. a breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm not gonna lie, shit gets Sad
> 
> aka harley goes through the first few stages of grief in like a week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last segment of this chapter is not what i had planned at ALL but now i have a new plan for a future chapter and im so excited because it'll be angsty as FUCK
> 
> also, there aren't any strong triggers in this chapter, but be cautious if subjects like heavy swearing, guilt regarding death, mild descriptions of ptsd, heavily-described grief, and depressive episodes make you uncomfortable

Harley didn’t leave his room at the compound for three days. He lost all perception of time without the sun streaming through his window and he barely ate or drank, electing to curl up under the covers and cry until his face went numb. He wasn’t sure how to think. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see were Peter and Abbie. The day of the Decimation played through his head like a broken record and he was sure he’d never be able to forget watching Abbie disappear right before his eyes.

His body ached to be with Peter. It had been so long since he’d held him. Since they’d kissed. Every time he’d talk asleep for a couple hours, he’d wake up reaching for Peter beside him, only to realize he was never there.

He hadn’t spoken to Pepper or Tony or any of the others for that matter since the night he found out. He already knew the first words out of all of their mouths would be “I’m so sorry” and frankly, he was sick of even thinking about hearing it.

They wouldn’t understand. Even if they did, it wouldn’t be the same.

He had no family.

No one left that loved him.

He was sure at least Pepper would try to refute that, but it hardly made a difference. He was supposed to protect Abbie, to keep her safe from anything, and he failed. As simple as that. Peter was it for him. He was supposed to love him forever and now that was all gone.

If the others didn’t understand, they could get over it. He wasn’t in the business of letting good, innocent people into his life anymore.

* * *

Tony came into his room on the fourth day completely unprompted without so much as a knock.

In hindsight, he probably should’ve locked the door if he didn’t want to see any of them, but it was too late.

“Kid, it’s been days,” Tony started the moment he entered the room. He was on crutches, slightly closer to his usual vivacity, but the dark bags under his eyes told a different story.

Harley didn’t look away once his eyes met Tony’s. The boy didn’t answer.

“Harley, please,” Tony practically begged. “Just talk to me, talk to _any_ of us.”

He scoffed, wrapping the bedsheets tighter around his body, despite the early June weather.

“You’re not alone in this, you know,” Tony spoke softer, kneeling beside the bed. Harley looked like he might break down at any moment but his body was more likely too drained to even cry. “We’re all hurting. You don’t have to get through this on your own.”

“Get through this?” He finally spoke up, a bit of malice in his words that he didn’t really mean. “How the hell am I supposed to just _get through it?”_

Tony ran a shaky hand through his hair.

“Getting through it doesn’t mean you have to get over it, kiddo. Just means you don’t have to let it ruin your life-“

“I don’t _want_ a life without him!”

When Harley screamed the room went silent. Tony didn’t move, he only stared as Harley seemed taken aback by his own outburst like he couldn’t believe what he had said. He was breathing heavily, visibly shaking and Tony was terrified to even come close to the boy for the fear of setting him off again.

“I don’t..._want_ it to stop hurting,” he continued, Tony noticing how raw his voice was the more he spoke. “If I let myself move on, then I’m giving up on them and I _can’t.” _He sobbed, effectively breaking the older man’s heart. “I can’t give up on them, I can’t...let them down.”

Tony took that moment to seat himself on the bed beside Harley and without so much as a look in his direction, Harley practically dove into his arms. He only hesitated a moment before one hand instinctively reached up to cradle Harley’s head as the other grabbed fistfuls of his shirt.

“I’m scared,” Harley admitted after a few minutes of silence, only filled with sniffles.”

“Me too, kid.”

“We’re gonna’ find a way to fix this, right?” Harley asked with hopeful, watery eyes. He looked more like a child right then than Tony had ever seen him. His mind kept repeating a mantra over and over.

_He’s already broken. _

_He’s already broken. _

_His heart’s been broken more than enough for one lifetime. _

“I hope so,” he decided to say because it was the truth. He hoped there was a way to fix everything Thanos had done. He hoped and prayed for it every minute of every day. He didn’t want to live in a world without Peter and Abbie any more than Harley did. He just couldn’t stand to let the boy down again.

“_Tony_,” his voice cracked. “_Promise me.”_

Nope.

Nope, nope, he was not going there.

He’d ruined the kid’s life enough already. The least he could do was spare him an even worse heartbreak.

“Harley, you know I can’t promise that,” he admitted, hoping his face was enough to convey how badly he wished he could.

Harley nodded, though Tony wasn’t sure he really understood.

“I can promise you that I’ll do anything and everything I can to try,” he added, his hand brushing the messy hair out of Harley’s face that probably hadn’t been washed in at least a couple of weeks. “I won’t give up on them until we’re sure there’s nothing we can do.”

And thankfully Harley seemed satisfied with that answer and took another nosedive into Tony’s arms, the two staying as they were for a long time.

* * *

He should’ve known Harley would ask eventually.

Even he had to admit that he was tempted to ask about Abbie.

But just the mere mention of the moment he felt his soul ripped apart before his very eyes was enough to send him spiraling back to the day.

“What happened? You know, when everyone...disappeared.”

_I don’t want to go, sir, please-_

“Harley, I don’t-“

_feel so good. _

“Was it quick?” His eyes looked desperately into Tony’s. He ignored Pepper and Rhodey sitting around the living room and only looked at Tony.

His eyes flashed with something akin to guilt and he hoped Harley didn’t notice it.

“Did he..,” he paused as if deciding whether he even wanted to ask. “Do you think he felt it? Like it hurt him?”

Tony could barely breathe, let alone come up with the words to answer him. He simply stared as if he had seen a ghost.

“Please, Tony,” Harley begged, tears brewing in his eyes. He pulled the blacker around his shoulders tighter. “Please, I just need to know he wasn’t a-afraid.”

Right then, Tony made the hardest decision of his life thus far.

“No, kid,” he choked out, surprising even himself at the words that seemed to spill out of his mouth. “No, it was all over before...before he even knew it.”

Harley seemed to visibly relax a little at that statement.

“Abbie too,” he spoke softly, his voice raspy as his fingers rubbed into the fabric of the blanket. “She was gone before I even had the chance to turn around.”

“Harley-“

“FRIDAY told me he had a...sixth sense or something. That he could sense danger. I just thought...maybe he knew it was coming. Maybe-“ he stopped himself to blink away the tears from falling, but not fast enough to stop one that rolled down his cheek. “M-maybe he was scared.”

Pepper didn’t wait any longer to leave the sofa in favor of wrapping her arms around the boy. Harley paid no attention and continued to stare at Tony like he didn’t even notice Pepper was there.

“He wasn’t scared,” Tony lied, the image of Peter’s terrified face masked over Harley’s in his eyes. “Maybe he did know, but...but he was _so brave.”_

At least it wasn’t all a lie. He found solace in that fact.

Peter Parker was, and always would be, the bravest person he’d ever known.

Harley nodded, allowing one more tear to roll down his other cheek.

“I would’ve been so scared,” he admitted, a short, humorless laugh escaping after his words. “Shit, I _was_ scared and I was completely fine.” His voice cracked on the last word, showing everyone else what they all already knew; that Harley Keener was so far from ‘fine’. “Abbie didn’t even scream or nothin’. She was there one second and the next...just gone. I didn’t even have time to see her face before she disappeared.”

Pepper brushed away his tear tracks and he still didn’t even flinch at her movements.

“You know, the last thing we were talking about was how the traffic on Main Street was getting real bad for three o’clock on a Thursday.” He smiled a little, not letting it reach his eyes. “I told her somebody probably made a dumbass wrong turn and we laughed. Turns out somebody probably up and fucking _died_ behind the wheel and we were laughing about it.”

“Kid, I think that’s enough. You should probably sit-“

“Am I that fucking ignorant?” He yelled to everyone and no one at the same time. Pepper flinched back and let go of the boy. “Am I so fucking ignorant that when a car makes an illegal stop in the middle of the road, I don’t even question that they might be hurt? Am I that goddamn blind that when Peter showed up in my guest room the third night after I met him covered in scratches and bruises, I didn’t even ask him what happened? I didn’t even think he could have been involved in the same shit that half the people he spends time with do?”

No one dared to come within five feet of him in fear of making things worse.

“Am I so fucking blind to the world that I can’t think of a single goddamn thing to fix this? Not one thing! Everyone tells me I’m some sort of genius prodigy, but the one time I actually need to use what I’ve got—The _one time _I actually care about what I’m doing, my brain decides to be _useless_?” He was visibly shaking, his hands trembling as they gestured wildly. His eyes still never left Tony’s. “I _can’t_ be useless right now! I couldn’t help the first time a-and now that I have a chance to make it up to them, I _can’t_!”

His knees buckled beneath him and with the sob that escaped his lips as he hit the ground, there were at least half a dozen people in the room. Everyone heard the yelling. No one wanted to be the one to make it worse, but no one knew how to make it better. Not when they didn’t even know how to help themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and i apologize in advance for making this so sad
> 
> pls tell me in the comments how mad you are at me and don't forget that everyone that gives kudos gives another virtual hug & kiss for harley once i eventually fix this mess
> 
> also, i have my first day of my last year of band camp tomorrow morning and i'm high-key really sad about it!! it's my last year and i'm really excited to start our program and stuff, but i really don't want it to be over because i know it will go by really fast:(  
anyway, it's 8 hours every day for 2 weeks so i apologize in advance if it takes a little while for me to get the next chapter written, but i will do my best!


	4. a promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a letter from harley to peter
> 
> & a promise he probably shouldn’t have made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh I don’t even know what this is but I had an idea and I’m too lazy to think of anything else so hopefully y’all are on board with this
> 
> I basically just wanted to keep up with the letter format from book 1 but it’ll just be harley writing letters to peter as a sort of therapy for himself

Peter,

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Now that I know you’re gone...everything’s just so much worse. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can barely even look at Tony without thinking about how he was the one who got to be the last thing you saw. I can’t even explain the way it broke my heart to see him get off that ship without you.

When Pepper told me about you being Spiderman...fuck, I wasn’t sure whether to get mad at you for not telling me or just be afraid that I could lose you all over again. I’m mad. Not at you, but that I couldn’t be there with you. I just couldn’t imagine the thought of not being able to tell you I love you before...

Well you know. I just can’t say it without crying and I know I’ll never be able to finish this letter if I do.

I love you. I can’t even say I _loved_ you because I don’t think I’ll ever stop. You’re my whole world and I don’t even know how I’ve even survived this long without you, but I’m going to keep trying.

I promise you.

I have to promise you because, no matter what, I could never forgive myself if I let you down. I’m not going to waste what you don’t get the chance to have.

Tony mentioned he had an idea to fix this. Some sort of ambush to get the stones back from Thanos and reverse the snap with this woman named Carol that saved Tony from space. I’m going with him. I don’t know what I have to do, but I’m going to find a way no matter what.

He has no idea, but I started working on a suit. I’ve been working on the design since I was a kid back when it was just for fun, but I’m going to help make sure you and Abbie and everyone else gets back if it kills me.

Maybe when you read this one day you’ll be rolling your eyes at that, but I’d rather die trying to bring you back home to me than die decades from now having lived a miserable life without you in it. Abbie’s my home and you’re my whole future and I can’t imagine ever living out the rest of my life without the person that makes it worth living in a place that doesn’t feel like home.

So if I die trying, I die trying. So be it. At least I didn’t give up on you.

And if I don’t, then I’ll never stop until I see you again. Simple as that.

I’m already thinking about what I’m going to do if I’m there when you come back. However it happens, I don’t even care, I’m never letting you out of my sight. Obviously you can have a life, and if you never wanted to see me again, I’d let you go because I’d rather see you happy with someone else than miserable with me, but I love you more than anything, Peter Parker. I love you to the ends of the Earth and with every day that you’re gone, I just know that you’re the one I want to spend my life with.

I bought a promise ring a few days ago. Pepper made me come with her when she went to a local farmers market to try to get everyone else to start eating healthier. Trust me, the rest of the team that’s left has been staying at the compound and none of them have been coping well at all, to say the least. I think she just ran out of ideas of how to help.

Anyway, it was nice actually. To get outside, I mean. The sky is covered by ashes and everyone on the street looks like the don’t know where they are, but there was this handmade jewelry stand at the market and the old woman who was there selling things was so nice.

I actually talked about you for the first time since I had a little breakdown talking to Tony about a week or so ago. She gave me a hug and told me that she lost her husband of almost sixty years too and she helped me pick out the perfect ring.

Baby, you’re going to love it. I tried not to cry writing this, but I can’t help it.

It’s like I can’t even imagine what I’m going to do if this doesn’t work.

I need you.

I’ll bring you home, I promise.

-Harley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly I don’t even know how I feel about harley’s promise ring. that was a total spur-of-the-moment addition but I honestly might edit it out before the next chapter comes out, idk. 
> 
> let me know if you guys think it’s weird since they’re both so young. by the end, harley will be 18 and peter will be 16(almost 17) so I feel like that’s a bit young, but also...this is a unique circumstance 
> 
> anyway, pls give kudos and comments and all that jazz:) love y’all!


	5. a test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pepper has some news and we get the first mini time jump of what has officially become a year-long timeline;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these two sections don't even remotely go together, but oh well. next chapter will probably be at least partially a letter from harley talking about the baby...;)
> 
> also i wrote the second section before the first section but whatever, hopefully it makes sense lol

Three weeks after the Decimation, Tony and Pepper bought a house.

A cabin, actually, in upstate New York just an hour’s drive from the compound.

They couldn’t stand being at the compound all day, every day. There were far too many things to remind them of what had happened. Too many faces, too many grieving friends.

Besides, they could always use another safe house, especially with the baby.

Pepper found out she was almost two months pregnant only a week and a half after the Decimation. Tony immediately broke down in tears at the news and even afterwards he wasn’t sure if he cried because he was happy or terrified. He’d already lost two kids he was supposed to take care of. Millions more if he counted all the kids around the world who died because of his failures. As far as he was concerned, he didn’t deserve to have another one.

They hadn’t told hardly anyone. The rest of the team didn’t know, except for Rhodey, who Tony told within minutes of receiving the news. Pepper called Happy and told him too, even though he was still spending his days in the city working to help people rebuild their lives with the Stark Industries Relief Fund.

And of course, Harley.

He was the biggest wildcard of the group. None of them knew how he would take it, but they all agreed that no matter how he felt about it, he deserved to know.

They told him at a fairly good time. He was alone in his room, curled up with a cup of coffee, a blanket, and a playlist playing from his phone when Pepper came in. She kneeled on the floor in front of him, took his hands in hers, and told him she and Tony were having a baby. That they hadn’t planned on it and that they knew it was the hardest time in any of their lives to try and be happy when they’d all lost so much, but that she wanted him to be a part of their child’s life, should he want to as well.

And Harley cried.

He cried happy tears with the biggest smile she’d seen on his face in weeks and clung to the woman he loved like a mother and thanked her over and over. Why? Neither of them really knew, but he felt like it was needed and Pepper didn’t feel it was right to deny him that.

Which led to Harley being at her beck and call like a lost puppy, desperate to help in any way he could. When he wasn’t with Tony working on the plan to ambush Thanos, he was helping Pepper plan the nursery and cooking for her, no matter the craving.

He wasn’t going to let anything happen to that baby and it wasn’t even close to being born yet. Pepper and Tony deserved to be happy with their little family even if he couldn’t. It was as simple as that. No resentment. No jealousy. He just wanted to help give them what he couldn’t have.

* * *

_Two weeks later._

* * *

“Hi, baby,” Harley spoke softly to mostly Peter, but really no one in particular.

He laid in the grass on his back, his legs crossed out in front of him and his arms folded under his head.

The gravestone had been Pepper’s idea. It was a memorial site, of sorts, in a fairly secluded area of the woods that surrounded the Stark family cabin. It could be seen from a window in the master bedroom, but other than that, he could be completely alone there. It was the first thing they set up when they moved in.

The headstones were more like plaques rather than actual graves, mostly due to the circumstances regarding the Decimation, but seeing the names emblazoned on those slabs of stone actually brought a bit of closure that none of them had been expecting.

There was one for Peter. One for Abbie. One for Pepper’s sister and her nephew who had passed as well. Harley made sure there was one for May too, and Tony even asked that they make one for a man named Stephen Strange that the others didn’t know, but that Tony only explained as the man he owed his life to, and none of them could argue with that.

Another plaque was added after a few weeks, this one into the side of the tree that all of the others had been arranged around. It held the names of all of the people that fought against Thanos and fell victim to the snap. He had long since received a list of names for those that fought in Wakanda from Steve. The length of the list made him sick to even look at, but every single name made it onto the plaque. No one was forgotten.

Harley spent most days at the lake house sitting in the woods, talking to Peter and Abbie. Tony and Pepper had been worried at first, with the boy spending so much time alone out there, but they both wholeheartedly agreed that it was a much healthier form of grief than locking himself in his bedroom and not speaking to anyone for days.

“Our six month anniversary was the day after the Decimation,” Harley continued, his voice only cracking a little as he stared up at the trees that blocked the sky. “I didn’t even realize until yesterday. Six months and we missed it by one day.” He huffed a laugh of sorts. His fingers idly traced Peter’s stone-etched name.

“I can’t even believe I didn’t notice. In fact, I haven’t even been thinking about the date at all since it happened, but it’s been almost a month already,” he spoke in near disbelief. “I’ve lived a month in a world without you.”

A single tear leaked out of the corner of his eye and down towards the forest floor.

“I don’t want to do this anymore, but I haven’t broken my promise yet and I don’t plan on it,” he continued. “I’m not gonna’ take it for granted.”

He rolled over onto his side and laid his head against the plaque, his fingers continuing to trace the letters.

“Tony and the others are leaving in the morning. They think I don’t know, but he and I planned the whole thing. It would’ve been impossible to keep it from me.” He paused. “If Pepper tries to make me stay, I don’t think I’ll be able to tell her no. Tony, I could, but Pepper…I just can’t. She gets this look in her eyes whenever she looks at me and I can just tell she can’t stand to have me around the compound all the time.” He chuckled a little. “Not in a bad way or anything. I know she cares, she doesn’t let me go a day without hearing it, but I can tell that seeing me just makes her miss what she lost. What we both lost.”

He carefully picked himself up off the ground, bending down to press a kiss gently to the spot where Peter’s name was engraved.

“I’ll make sure they’re all taken care of, but I’ll do anything in my power to make sure I can play a part in getting you home. I promise.” He let another tear fall as his lips brushed the cold stone. “I love you so much, Peter. I won’t stop until you’re home.”

And with that, he stood up and went back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all liked this!! i just wrote this randomly this morning before band camp when i totally should've been getting ready but oh well
> 
> also i've decided to keep the whole promise ring thing from the last chapter so thank you all for your feedback:)
> 
> pls drop some kudos & comments if you like this:) i'm gonna try to get more frequent updates going so we'll get cruising with this story fairly soon!


	6. a name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m back bitchesss
> 
> baby names? family bonding? angst???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I’ve been gone lol but I just finished my last band camp ever and I’m so sad about it tbh
> 
> I’ve been working on this ever since I posted the last chapter and I’ve been adding like one sentence to it every day lmao
> 
> no new trigger warnings but there’s one little hint at an idea I had for this story in the beginning section and hopefully I didn’t make it obvious at all because I want it to be a surprise;)

“Harley, you like the name Morgan, right?” Tony asked, dragging the boy into a conversation that he had tried to avoid every other time the topic had come up. Tony was standing in the kitchen of the cabin, Pepper and Harley seated side by side at the island barstools while he gestured around with a coffee pot in one hand and a spatula in the other.

“Yeah,” he admitted noncommittally. “But I also like the idea of having more than one name option when that’s the name your child will be stuck with forever.” Pepper chuckled beside him as she nearly choked on her cup of tea. 

“Exactly! I love the name, but what exactly would we do if the baby just…doesn’t _look _like a Morgan?” She explained, Harley nodding along with a forkful of salad in his mouth.

“We won’t need another name! There’s no way we’ll be able to come up with anything better than Morgan,” Tony argued, drinking coffee straight out of the pot. Pepper glared at him as he chugged, but said nothing. “You have to admit, it’s perfect.”

Harley pushed around the eggs and fresh fruit on his plate. 

“I mean, it works for a boy or a girl,” he commented, tossing a blueberry into his mouth. “Plus, if you somehow came up with a better name-” he continued as Tony rolled his eyes with a fond smile. “You can always use it as a middle name.”

Tony practically slammed the coffee pot down onto the counter, eliciting squeals from the other two as the coffee splashed out ever so slightly.

“A  _middle name!_ ” Tony practically cheered. “Oh my god I have the best ideas for middle names.”

Pepper and Harley couldn’t help but roll their eyes, but neither had the heart to stop Tony’s brainstorming when they were having the first night in a long time where no one felt guilty for being happy. 

* * *

Tony snuck out of the house that night after Pepper and Harley had fallen asleep on the sofa watching some cheesy Hallmark movie that they spent the entire time critiquing until they both fell asleep. He had told them he loved them both, making sure that there was no way Harley would be able to follow him on their mission, before driving down to the compound to meet the others.

Steve was already waiting for him when he arrived along with Natasha, Rhodey, Carol, Rocket, Thor, and Bruce. Nebula was working on the ship that would deliver them to Thanos, outwardly refusing to speak to anyone unless extremely necessary. Clint was still off the grid somewhere not even Natasha could find and no one wanted to be the one to suggest that maybe the radio silence from her best friend wasn’t just grief. That maybe there wasn’t anyone left for her to find. 

Still, that never stopped her from trying, not even for a second.

There was an unspoken agreement amongst the small group of eight that they wouldn’t hesitate to do anything and everything necessary to make their plan work. “Whatever it takes,” they kept saying to each other, almost as if it would suddenly make things okay if they didn’t come home. They knew where Thanos was. They knew they were outnumbering him eight to one, yet they still held the simple optimism that they’d be able to do it. They wouldn’t let themselves mess up again. They couldn’t afford to lose anything else when they’d already lost so much. 

Tony wasn’t sure if he thought that philosophy was bullshit or not. The part of him that wanted his kids, his _babies_ home safe...that part of him would’ve done anything to bring them back. Still, there was a part of him that knew just how badly he could lose all over again. He might never get to marry Pepper. He might never get to witness the birth of his child. He might be the one to finally break Harley Keener’s heart beyond repair. 

He couldn’t leave behind his family. He loved them more than anything in the galaxy and if he had to choose between risking it all to save half the world and making the most out of what he had left...he had to admit, he was getting more tempted by the second option with every passing day. 

Harley would’ve killed him if he told him that, but he was luckier than most. It seemed sick to think of himself as lucky when three huge parts of his family had been taken from him in one day, but he knew others had it so much worse. 

The news had dozens of stories about those who’d lost more than people could fathom. From a new mother losing her newborn child right after its birth, to a man losing his fiancé in the middle of their wedding ceremony, he knew he was lucky to have what he had left. And that he was lucky he even had any time at all with the ones he lost. 

But Peter and Abbie deserved to have their life back. They deserved to grow up. 

That came before anything else. 

Those kids didn’t deserve to live any less than his future son or daughter and he was going to make sure that, whether their plan worked or not, they gave it their all. 

Some of them had nothing left to live for if the mission didn’t work. 

Steve didn’t have anyone other than Natasha. After the two went on the run with Sam and Bucky, he lost just about everyone else in his life that loved him. 

Thor had practically given up on his life before they even fought Thanos in Wakanda, but The Decimation was the last straw. He’d practically left Brunhilde in charge of New Asgard ever since. 

Carol was lost. She hadn’t been back to Earth in decades without even realizing how long it had been. She learned of Fury’s passing from the others’ conversations and she couldn’t even bring herself to check up on Maria and Monica. She would never be able to forgive herself if she’d lost her entire family and done nothing to protect them when they needed it most. 

None of them would ever be the same after The Decimation, no matter what happened after they attacked Thanos. They were all changed forever, scarred by the day that ruined the good in the world in one fell swoop. 

Nebula flew the ship that took them to Thanos as daylight broke the next morning. None of them dared to say a word to each other as they all boarded, desperation clear in all of their eyes. 

Even as they landed on whatever planet Thanos had hidden away on, only Steve dared to speak. He stayed behind on the ship with Tony, watching the others preparing. The man turned to his old friend, held out his hand, and uttered three words. 

“Whatever it takes,” he spoke like he had already resigned himself to a doomed fate. 

Tony shook the man’s hand, not meeting his eyes. This was for Peter and Abbie and May and he was coming home to his family. If Steve was willing to take the sacrifice, he’d trust the man to do it. If it had to be him, it had to be him. He’d make sure that Steve told his family he tried his best to come home to them. 

“Whatever it takes,” he sighed, the haunted look in the blond man’s eyes that told Tony that he saw right through his words. He wanted to come home. He wasn’t willing to risk ruining the lives of those left that he loved. That was his only restraint. Whatever it takes, except that. 

And Steve seemed to accept that. 

* * *

Harley woke up with a start early that next morning. His back was sore from sleeping on the couch and he would’ve probably had a panic attack from being alone in a dark room if he couldn’t hear Pepper in the kitchen brewing a cup of tea. 

He threw off the blanket that had been draped across his long legs and instead wrapped it around his shoulders as he headed for the kitchen. Pepper’s smile looked sad as she noticed him walk in and Harley tried to ignore the way it didn’t reach her eyes. 

“What time is it?” Harley asked groggily, his phone having died overnight. 

“A little after seven,” Pepper spoke softly, tossing a tea bag into another mug and sliding it across the counter to Harley. “Are you hungry?”

Harley shrugged, pulling the blanket tighter around him as he held the mug with his other hand. He stared into the hot liquid as it slowly changed color, not wanting the bring up the realization that he had the moment he woke up. 

“Your tea should be ready, honey,” Pepper spoke softly from across the kitchen island. Everything about her composure seemed hesitant and unsure. She worried the hem of her top and seemed to roll her lip between her teeth enough to make it bleed, but said nothing. 

“He left, didn’t he?” Harley spoke up, hardly even asking what he already knew. 

_So you’re just going to leave me here? Like my dad?_

Pepper nodded into her mug and Harley could see a tear roll down one cheek. 

He set down his mug, rounded the island, and buried his face in the taller woman’s neck. They were alone again and once more, they didn’t even get to say goodbye. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for waiting everyone!!! sorry it took so long lol. I start school on wednesday(kill me pls) and hopefully it won’t be long before the next update!
> 
> pls leave kudos/comments if you liked it:)))


	7. a crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harley needs a hug and so does the author

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise i'll try to do better with updating sdfhjlk  
(i'm gonna find a way to finish this though, i promise)
> 
> i hope y'all like this! i really want to get back to writing more letter-chapters, but i need some general exposition to get the ball rolling at least a little bit before i stop to check in with harley's coping mechanisms again
> 
> also, i'm thinking of adding some song-based sections coming up soon like there were in book 1 since there are a couple songs i want to write about harley playing since they remind me of this fic;)
> 
> and i literally can't explain to y'all how hard it was for me to come up with an acronym for harley's AI that made sense with the story because goddamn it was the main reason why it took me like 20 years to finish this chapter

Peter,

I don’t know if you kept all of these letters like I did, but I apologize in advance if I ruin the collection with this one written throughout a small pile of cocktail napkins.

I’ve been laying on the floor in the kitchen since about three in the morning and the sun is just now starting to rise as I’m writing this, which is really killing my eyes that just spent the last three hours getting adjusted to the darkness. But I couldn’t sleep. Tony left yesterday morning and as soon as I tried to go to bed, I just couldn’t help but feel like I was selfish for not going with him.

Wild, I know, especially considering he snuck out without even asking if I wanted to come, but maybe it’s already too late anyway. I’m not too worried about it anymore. All I know is that they’re going to kill Thanos no matter fucking what and bring you back to me and everything’s going to be okay again. It’s all gonna’ be okay.

That’s what I keep telling myself now that the sun is ruining my super depressing morning on the floor, but it’s the only way I can make myself stay at the cabin without taking whichever of Tony’s suits is the easiest to fly and going after him. I’m still super tempted, both because I want to help bring you and Abbie home, but also because it’s secretly like my biggest childhood dream to fly an Iron Man suit and I’m fairly certain that the only way Tony would ever let me fight is if I had the world’s safest suit of armor around me, and another suit around that.

It’s not like I blame him. If you were here and you wanted to go out and fight Thanos again, I’d wrap you in bubble wrap and knee pads before even letting you put the suit on, but he means well. I have to admit, it feels nice to see how much he cares.

I still don’t know if my mom survived the Decimation. I don’t know if I even care anymore, or if I ever did for that matter, but I’m not in any hurry to find out. Until she calls her own son to check up on whether or not he survived the biggest mass genocide of all time, I’m just going to assume she’s either dead or celebrating the fact that she doesn’t have to deal with having kids anymore. That’s why I was really fucking mad when I found out your Aunt May was gone too. She was nicer to me in one week at the tower in November than my mother had been in the last four years and the universe decided she didn’t deserve to live. Fucking bat shit crazy if you ask me.

Okay, I just went back and read what I just wrote and I honestly don’t know what language this is because it’s so far from what I usually write that it makes it look happy and I think that means I’ve finally lost it for good. I’m definitely having a mental breakdown and I almost made it until you got back before going completely insane, but I’m honestly surprised I made it as far as I did before going completely off my goddamn rocker. Oh well. Hopefully you don’t doubt that I'm actually just surviving in a midway point between ‘too suicidal to live without you’ and ‘desperate enough to run all the way to the tower from the cabin so I can do something to help bring you home’. It’s fucking wild, babe.

I feel like most of the time I’m not even understanding what’s happening around me. Pepper will make dinner and I won’t even smell it until she set’s down a plate right in front of me and suddenly six hours have gone by but I didn’t even know we ate lunch. I’m trying to sleep better now, which has abruptly gone back to the not-happening-for-even-a-minute stage in the past forty-eight hours, but that’s just because if I’m going to essentially black out for multiple hours in the day at a time, I might as well get some sleep while I’m doing it.

I just miss you.

I took off the beanie you got me for my birthday for the first time since the Decimation yesterday. It’s gross, trust me, I know. But it was once of the few physical things that I had from you that I could hold onto and it was the best that I could do. And before you ask, yes I did shower with it on and nope I’m not lying. I even washed my hair through the beanie.

It’s very soft now if you’re wondering, but the yarn is totally falling apart though.

Worth it, I guess.

I’ve been thinking non-stop ever since Tony left about what I’m going to do when I finally see you again. I can’t even believe it’s been almost two months now, I think, but it feels like forever.

I think when I see you I might pass out, no joke. I’ve been eating and drinking much better now than at first, but I have yet to sleep through the night once. Every night it’s something else that takes you away from me. Sometimes I’m there, sometimes it’s just like I’m watching from afar, but every time I see you crying and terrified and it just makes me sick. I don't even know why I haven't dreamed about Abbie. Maybe it's just because I keep thinking that she's there in the room next door every time I go to sleep. I don't know.

All I know is that you haunt me, Peter Parker. You haunt my dreams every single night and part of me is almost grateful that I can't get a full night's sleep because now I know that there's no way in hell I'll ever forget your face. I'd take the nightmares forever if I had to just to make sure I'd never have to forget.

But I won't have to.

I keep telling myself that.

There's a pit in my stomach that keeps getting worse the closer and closer it gets to when you'll be home and it feels so wrong and so horrible and it's sickening like I'm going to lose you all over again, but I _know _it's nothing. I don't even think I'll be able to believe it when I see you. I might just have to kiss you just to make sure you're real.

Who am I kidding? I'd like to see somebody to try and stop me from kissing you.

I love you, Peter. Always.

See you in a minute.

-Harley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!! sorry this took so long, i'm in a weird place right now lol. i just started my senior year! (which tbh isn't holding me back from writing much, if anything, it's helping me write more lol)
> 
> i'm basically on a huge 'it' kick since it's been my favorite book since i was like 13 and the new movie comes out in 10 days and i'm SO excited for it so i've basically just been binge-reading all of the fanfics on here instead of writing sdfhajk but i promise i'll work on this more lol

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for reading! i'm super excited to get this story up and rolling and i hope you guys are too!
> 
> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated and i love hearing all of your thoughts about how this story is going, so feel free to come on over to my tumblr and chat with me about it!  
@krustywhore (multifandom blog) / @steviesflowers (mcu blog)


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